The Primal Wound
The Psychic Primal Wound was a wound that I was ignorant of discovered by muscle testing. It consisted of a discovery that rocked the foundations of my existence, and caused me to look at everything in my life in a new light. What could be so critical that could make such a big difference in how my spirit was? It was the discovery that I was a twin.
It's hard to say exactly when I first had the feeling of being incomplete. I felt a fascination with mirrors, and with my own anatomy like my hands and was told that as a baby I would look in the mirror at myself and at my hands for hours oblivious to the rest of the world. Growing up I had the sense of being “different” but I thought that was just because of my being adopted. Or later as a teenager I thought it was because of my intellectual gift that God had given me.
Even later I thought that I was “different” because of my choices, even though thousands of other people had made the same choices that I had.
There were times in my life where the truth of being a twin almost came to the surface. Probably those times it didn’t appear because I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I have learned that life presents you exactly what you are able to handle and learn, and that those difficult lessons that are painful prepare you for the joy of freedom in the present and future.
Early in my teenage years I had befriended a fraternal twin set, and I was fascinated by them and all twins in general. One of those twins killed himself, and the surviving twin was devastated. Surprisingly, I was also deeply affected, but I didn’t realise why. I just thought that because they were friends, their death bothered me. But that death has bothered me more than the death of anyone else in my life that I was close to. I felt as though part of me was dying, but intellectually I couldn’t make sense of that. So I put that feeling away and suppressed it, because it couldn’t provide me anything of value I thought at the time.
Another time was even younger as a child when I saw the movie “Star Wars”. In that movie a character named Luke Skywalker has a sister that he learns of. He feels a connection with her, just like I felt like I had a connection with someone else all my life. I always suspected that if I only were “sensitive enough” that I would find someone who would complete what was missing inside me.
So I grew up and learned to be so sensitive that it caused me all kinds of medical, social and psychological problems. I became allergic to almost everything, and my feelings bruised so easily. I became like “Spock” on Star Trek, and he was my role model to deal with the universe that I couldn’t express my emotions fully in. I over intellectualised, overly suppressed my feelings, and did everything I could to reduce my sensitivity to life.
What I didn’t realise then, and I just learned to recognise now is that the strength of my protection was only possible because of the depth of my woundedness and humanity. I had been wounded, and didn’t have the skills to deal with it, so I dealt with it as best I could. In time, I learned it was safe to explore. A therapy called NMT or Neuro Modulation Technique, by Dr. Leslie Feinberg D.C., was the answer to this great loss that I felt.
It helped me to deal with the medical conditions that were caused by this, by the emotional and psychological aspects that were affected. It is the single best therapy that I have tried, and I tried them all. I have been working on these issues for about 8 months now, with 2 visits a month, and I feel completely different than I felt before.
The difference is night and day. More importantly than being cured however, was that this experience happened for a reason. I believe that God wanted me to have this experience to change me and mould my character. Experiences in life can sometimes be bitter, but often the most difficult experiences have the sweetest rewards.
For example, the pain and sacrifice of attending college is rewarded with the degree. The pride of an accomplishment is directly related to the amount of effort it takes to achieve it. I believe that we who have lost our twins in the womb are destined for something special. Something that our sensitivity and experience has prepared us for.
I don’t know what you will achieve and become in your life, but I know that those who love you will do so with all their heart. They have seen your strength. If they understand you, they will respect and admire you. I respect and admire you, fellow survivor. You are strong, you are brave, and in time your pain will be transformed into joy.