I am a 16 year old female. I have always felt very alone, outside of myself. Inside, there always seems to be more of me. I'm always talking to myself, but it isn't really me. When I was in elementary school, the kids would sometimes bring lunch to their younger sibling, or other things like that. And I would cry. When I was in middle school (Hard years) And someone would even say to me "My brother and I" or "My sister an I" I would start crying. I'm now a junior in high school and to this day, whenever I see two sisters, close sisters, doing things together, I cry. And I will stay upset for a few days. I've always obsessed over twins. Tia and Tamera, Coco and Breezy, Mary-Kate and Ashley. I've always felt my life would be THAT much better with a twin. We would be together always and we would create and succeed. And I was always "Mom, I'm telling you. I had a twin, but before anyone knew, she died." And my parents would just say "Noooo. No, no, no" My father has 6 siblings, 2 of which are twins. My mother has 2 sisters, she is the middle child. They don't understand how it feels to be an only child, and having this constant craving for a sibling, and not just a sibling, a twin. A feeling that you have one, somewhere, and you just don't know about it. Well today, I found out. And I found out that many parts of my personality that I can't account for are because of this. And now I'm a loner. I only want to be alone. I love people, from a distance, but not so much having to deal with them. I'm not very big on my family, I don't have many friends. And I like it that way. I'm an independent person, I truly function better that way. Except for my twin. She is the only person I want to be around. I want to be with. I love my sister. I said it MY sister. And now I'm crying. Ha! In reality I want it to be just me and my sister, taking on the world. But I have me. Just me.
I had an identical twin sister in the womb, but due to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome she died approximately 3 months before we were due to be born. My mother did not tell me anything whatsoever about her until I was 16 years old (I am now nearly 19), but throughout my childhood I had an imaginary friend whom I pretended was my "twin sister", and have always had feelings I could never quite describe properly, but which have related to feeling incomplete, or inadequate. Ever since I found out about the existence of my sister, I've felt many different things. Grief primarily, but also anger at my parents for not telling me, anger at the hospital for not being able to stop it, anxiety that I have greatly upset my parents by having these reactions, as well as worrying that I have hugely overreacted to the entire situation, as I didn't even know her. These feelings come and go, but can occasionally be almost overwhelming. It has even lead to me using my very active imagination to invent situations where my sister somehow survived, and was brought up in secret by another family, and that someday I will have a chance meeting with her. I have no idea how to stop such feelings, and imagine that they will carry on indefinitely, until I achieve some form of closure. This is made difficult by the method my parents have found easiest, which is to not think about it or discuss it at all; for example, she has no name, though my mother once told me I could give her a name if I wanted. Sometimes I think of her as having my middle name, but other times it just doesn't feel right. Now, it feels like I have hit a dead end. I am wary of discussing the matter further with my parents in case it upsets them, and I simply don't know what I can do to move on.
I found out my twin was stillborn when I was 12. I always felt alone/lonely. I am the youngest of 4 children the only girl. I always felt my twin was a girl but was never told anything. My brother has since said it was a boy. I wish I knew. I felt guilty for a long time then I felt I had to fill my life with as much experience as possible. This only served to ruin my life, looking for love and acceptance and making more than double my share of mistakes. I felt my mother had given me two names hyphenated because my twin was a girl. I wish I knew. I dropped the second name as it confused people, then when I found out about my twin it made me feel more guilty.
Our first little book of personal stories written by womb twin survivors..
Our first collection of 25 brief stories wriitten by womb twin survivors.
Available as a PDF download - no special equipment needed to read this - it can even be printed out for easier reading if you prefer.